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Mitch Hedberg

Posted on April 29, 2006April 5, 2016 by Andi

Great Mitch Bits

They're not the same without the quirky drawl and the slight, nervous smile. But here are some of Hedberg's bits:

  • I got a business card made, because I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: “Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.”
  • Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
  • I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.
  • I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day.
  • I want to be a race-car passenger — just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide.”
  • This shirt is dry-clean only. Which means it's dirty.
  • I'm against picketing. But I don't know how to show it.
  • I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying it.
  • I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
  • Alcoholism is a disease. But it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. Dammit, Otto! You're an alcoholic! Dammit, Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
  • When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
  • I bought myself a parrot, and it could talk. But it did not say it was hungry, so it died.
  • I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton [on the set of “Almost Famous”. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. I've done that way more.
  • Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
  • I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table.
  • An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'

HERE is a fun website with Mitch quotes on it.

There is a tribute to him this weekend in town. This is his site if you want to know more about the tribute show or him.

Mitch Hedberg
1968-2005

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