Mitch Hedberg – ANDI HAYS

Great Mitch Bits

They're not the same without the quirky drawl and the slight, nervous smile. But here are some of Hedberg's bits:

I got a business card made, because I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: “Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.”
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day.
I want to be a race-car passenger — just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide.”
This shirt is dry-clean only. Which means it's dirty.
I'm against picketing. But I don't know how to show it.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying it.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
Alcoholism is a disease. But it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. Dammit, Otto! You're an alcoholic! Dammit, Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
I bought myself a parrot, and it could talk. But it did not say it was hungry, so it died.
I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton [on the set of “Almost Famous”. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. I've done that way more.
Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table.
An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'