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Rants About Life

Posted on October 5, 2015October 6, 2015 by Andi

Lately I have felt off. Not just kind of off. Really off. I would describe it as a fleeting feeling. Some days it’s there in full force while other days it’s just in the background. I am starting to wonder if something more than just having three kids and general life stresses are the problem.

I worry. A lot. But only to myself. I am not worrying about things that make me helicopter parent my kids, but I have dreams about strange things and when my mind wanders it wanders to things like death and dying and what life would be like either without me or if I were to lose someone close to me. It is in a more general sense, though.

I feel like I just want to shut down and sleep in my room in the dark. Alone. The idea of chores and things are so unappealing. And yes, I know that chores aren’t appealing to most people, but I want to whine like a baby about needing to do the dishes or laundry. There are enough toddlers in this house. Mommy doesn’t need to act like one, too.

I am irritated by the smallest things. I just want to give my kids ipads and tell them to leave me alone. I have no motivation to teach my kids things (writing, reading), doing crafts seems stressful and taking them anywhere just feels like such a hassle.

I understand kids feed off me and my reactions to things. But I find it to be such a challenge to keep my cool. I just feel like I could explode inside if I have to answer the same question 100 more times. Or ask them to do something for the 100th time. It’s exhausting.

There are other random things on my mind, too. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom anymore. This freaks me out. I feel like if I don’t stay with Alex a while, I have let him down in some way. I was home with the girls and now, see ya, kid. I’m outta here. And then I worry that I failed at staying home. Some times I think I am really taking the easy way out and staying home and not getting a job. But am I even doing a good enough job with the kids to continue doing this? On the other hand, I love being home with them. I love seeing them everyday and seeing them grow and change. I would miss them like crazy if I didn’t get to deal with their non-sense all day.

Maybe what I need is a job where I can take the bus to and from work and just read a book. Then I freak out about how the kids would be if I’m not with them. Would they be ok in daycare (obviously I know the answer is yes). Or how the house stuff will get done if I’m not home all day. But let’s be real…it’s not getting done and I am home. So that wouldn’t be that big of a deal. And I would be so sad to miss seeing them all day. I love them and I love being home with them.

I always intended to go back to work at some point after staying home with the kids. I wish there was something I was extremely passionate about, though. I have things that might be ok, but then worry and fret about learning something new, being qualified/good enough and just generally scared about the whole process. I don’t feel that good about myself, so how can I go sell myself to someone when I don’t even think that highly of myself? And how will I ever learn something new when all I think about is how bad I’ll be at it or how I’m not smart enough for it.

Then there’s the regrets. I went to college and got a crappy degree. What a waste of thousands of dollars and brain cells. Then I went back to school for a more respectable degree and dropped out. I just didn’t want to be in school anymore. I also didn’t think I could do it (but it has been pointed out to me that that isn’t the case). Either way. If I had stuck with it years ago, I would have been done. I could have years of experience behind me by now and I wouldn’t be in this predicament. I’d have a great degree from a great school. But alas. That is not the case and here is sit with regrets. And the fear of failing and relearning and just fearing it all.

This can’t be healthy. There are a bunch of stresses in our lives right now. And I am sure these are big contributing factors in all of this. But I am worried there are underlying things that I don’t know how to get rid of. I had tried therapy once and hated it. That isn’t something I want to do again. But I don’t really want to pop happy pills everyday, either.

I feel like I’m not as happy as I should be. I mean, my husband has a great job he loves and is amazing at. I have a part time job and three beautiful, smart, healthy kids and the ability to stay home with them. And we have food on our table. Clothes on our backs. More toys than the kids know what to do with. Generally nice things. A beautiful house. Two cars. What the hell is there for me to complain about? I just feel so whiny.

I’ve been waking up early for about 5 weeks now. I get up before anyone else is awake and I shower, do some yoga, sit in the dark in the quiet of the morning. Sometimes I light a candle. It’s so peaceful. I had hopes this would set the tone for my day. And I would be peaceful and happy. Instead, I look at the clock and think I should have gotten up earlier because the time was too short. Wonder how it can be morning already and why my kids need to wake up so early. Why is it that I’m not over-the-moon excited that they are running to me with messy hair and open arms for morning snuggles? Then I run through the day thinking about when will it be their rest time? How long until it’s their bedtime? Then the days just go on repeat. That can’t be normal. Or healthy.

There’s my rant in a nutshell. A feelings-dump. I am not actually looking for answers. I just wanted to put it out there. It feels like I can maybe tackle or overcome some of these things if I actually say them. I can’t avoid them as much this way. These stressful days will pass. I know that. I just want to enjoy them and look back with happy memories and not wonder if I gave the kids enough love and laughs when they were little and needed it the most.

Blah. Or maybe I’m just getting my period.

Andi_2_0_thumb_thumb1

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minihays

Mom 👩🏽👧🏻👦🏼|💍to @chuckhays|seeking WebDev job👩🏻‍💻|work PT💻|🤪|book reader📚|blanket lover🌡|glitter fanatic✨|zen🏃🏻‍♀️🧘‍♀️|kids sports🏒🥎|MN🏡|moving🏚🏗🏡🌊🚤

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A little nod to @kamalaharris with the jacket. A l A little nod to @kamalaharris with the jacket. A little nod to RBG with the black and necklace. Red, white and blue bracelets. Sparkly eyeshadow and some bright red lipstick for today! It’s such an exciting day with this inauguration! I’m so excited for the change in our leadership and even more excited to see a woman as Vice President. Today I am filled with hope and happiness! 🇺🇸❤️🤍💙👩🏾
This was a beautiful book. More on @minihaysreads. This was a beautiful book. More on @minihaysreads.
I may have hung out in Dannie’s hammock for a wh I may have hung out in Dannie’s hammock for a while this afternoon. It was so peaceful and relaxing! Definitely going to need to do that more.

#hammock #hammockswing #zen #relaxing #swing
We took a beautiful family walk yesterday. The pat We took a beautiful family walk yesterday. The path was a bit icy and treacherous in places, but we had a great time. The favorite activity was throwing chunks of snow into the stream. 🥰
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minihaysreads

I'm @minihays. Book lover📚❤️. Includes 📚 I've read, 📚 read with my kids (👩🏽8,👧🏽7,👦🏼5) & other book related stuff. 1⭐️ to 5⭐️ ratings.

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Today marks an exciting day in history! I am fille Today marks an exciting day in history! I am filled with so much hope and joy and happiness to see a woman as our Vice President. She will not be the last. 📚🇺🇸❤️🤍💙

#madamevicepresident #kamala #kamalaharris #makinghistory #women #womeninhistory #kamalaandmayasbigidea #rootedinjustice #superheroesareeverywhere #thetruthswehold
What a beautiful book. There are so many different What a beautiful book. There are so many different topics that could be discussed with this book. It would make a great book club read. I bet each person would have their own takeaway from this one.

I think it was so well written and the characters were so unique. The way they took different paths and then come back to each other was so well done. She has a magical writing style and I can’t wait to read more by her!

🎧📚⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ (3/60) #minihaysreads2021 #audiobook #audiobooks #book #books #bookreader #booklistener #booklover #bookstagram #ilovebooks #britbennett #thevanishinghalf
We watch The One and Only Ivan movie the other nig We watch The One and Only Ivan movie the other night. The movie was really cute as a stand-alone movie. But my kids were disappointed after reading the books. Some scenes were different, some parts weren’t included and they were kind of bummed it didn’t follow the book perfectly. The book is always better I told them. 😁

Any movies you have seen that didn’t quite live up to the book?

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I’m curled up in my daughter’s hammock chair w I’m curled up in my daughter’s hammock chair with my book and the one I’m reading with the kids. We read 10 chapters of their book and now I’m reading one of mine. 📚❤️

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haysonthelake

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The kids had a blast when we grabbed food from chi The kids had a blast when we grabbed food from chipotle and ate it on the floor in the house! I’m guessing there will be a few more times doing this as the build continues. So much fun! 🌮
Here was the final view of the lake from the stree Here was the final view of the lake from the street before the garage went up! 👋🏼
Saw the most beautiful little catamaran on the lak Saw the most beautiful little catamaran on the lake the other night. 🌈🤍
True story of why I’m a nutcase. While sitting o True story of why I’m a nutcase. While sitting on the boat recently, watching the kids play and listening to the house be built, I panicked. Crap! We should have put our house the other way. Left side on the right, right side on the left. That tree will be in our way! WHAT HAVE WE DONE?! 
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So I immediately text Chuck who is working and tell him about how I am worried almost to tears about this. That we messed up.
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It isn’t something we can do anything about even if we maybe should have done it the other way, which is probably nonsense. But we love this tree. And it’s going to add to our amazing view. And I want to plant another one on the other side one day anyway. And that big open spot will have a deck and porch behind the main floor garage. And what...I may have to turn my head slightly to see the lake better?🙄
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Yep. I’m a nutcase. I don’t worry about the things right in front of me. Or even things I should worry about. Nope. Just things that can’t be changed...now that’s where my worry shines! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣🤪
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