Great Mitch Bits

They're not the same without the quirky drawl and the slight, nervous smile. But here are some of Hedberg's bits:

• I got a business card made, because I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: “Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.”
• Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.
• I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.
• I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day.
• I want to be a race-car passenger — just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide.”
• This shirt is dry-clean only. Which means it's dirty.
• I'm against picketing. But I don't know how to show it.
• I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying it.
• I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.
• Alcoholism is a disease. But it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. Dammit, Otto! You're an alcoholic! Dammit, Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.
• When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
• I bought myself a parrot, and it could talk. But it did not say it was hungry, so it died.
• I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton [on the set of “Almost Famous”. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. I've done that way more.
• Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
• I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table.
• An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'

HERE is a fun website with Mitch quotes on it.

There is a tribute to him this weekend in town. This is his site if you want to know more about the tribute show or him.

Mitch Hedberg
1968-2005

Great Mitch Bits<\/b><\/p>\n

They're not the same without the quirky drawl and the slight, nervous smile. But here are some of Hedberg's bits:<\/p>\n

\n
• I got a business card made, because I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: “Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.”<\/li>\n
• Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.<\/li>\n
• I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.<\/li>\n
• I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day.<\/li>\n
• I want to be a race-car passenger — just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide.”<\/li>\n
• This shirt is dry-clean only. Which means it's dirty.<\/li>\n
• I'm against picketing. But I don't know how to show it.<\/li>\n
• I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying it.<\/li>\n
• I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.<\/li>\n
• Alcoholism is a disease. But it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. Dammit, Otto! You're an alcoholic! Dammit, Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.<\/li>\n
• When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.<\/li>\n
• I bought myself a parrot, and it could talk. But it did not say it was hungry, so it died.<\/li>\n
• I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton [on the set of “Almost Famous”. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. I've done that way more.<\/li>\n
• Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2000 of something.<\/li>\n
• I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table.<\/li>\n
• An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

  HERE is a fun website with Mitch quotes on it.<\/p>\n

  There is a tribute to him this weekend in town. This is his site<\/a> if you want to know more about the tribute show or him.<\/p>\n

  Mitch Hedberg
  \n1968-2005<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":null,"protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"rttpg_featured_image_url":null,"rttpg_author":{"display_name":"Andi","author_link":"http:\/\/andihays.net\/wordpress\/author\/andi\/"},"rttpg_comment":0,"rttpg_category":"Randomness<\/a>","rttpg_excerpt":"Great Mitch Bits They're not the same without the quirky drawl and the slight, nervous smile. But here are some of Hedberg's bits: I got a business card made, because I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: “Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.” Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr....","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/andihays.net\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/795"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/andihays.net\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/andihays.net\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/andihays.net\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/andihays.net\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=795"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/andihays.net\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/795\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":10417,"href":"http:\/\/andihays.net\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/795\/revisions\/10417"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/andihays.net\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=795"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/andihays.net\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=795"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/andihays.net\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=795"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}