Be Better.

Why am I so hard on myself?

Why do I think I can’t do anything?

Why do I have no ambitions or dreams? 

Why can’t I be a better roll model for my girls, my boy, my kids?

Why can’t I be more exciting to talk to? Or have something to talk about. 

How do I get better at this? How do I overcome these fears, struggles, feelings of inadequacy?

My husband encourages me and helps me and gives me ideas of things to do. And I fail at following through. Lack of motivation? Maybe. But I think it’s fear. But if what? Failing? How can you fail at something you’ve never really tried? 

This has been my problem for years. Years. I get into a vicious cycle in my head about not being smart enough/good enough, anything. Then I stop doing something because I think I can’t. Then I’m mad I didn’t follow through, then more time has passed and poof….I’m another damn year older. 38 in two weeks. Closer to 40 for another year and nothing to show for it. Then I’m depressed for my lack of accomplishments and get a little motivated, then the cycle starts over. Again and again and again. 

I need to go back to work. I need it to prove to myself that I can, but can’t figure out anything I think I could do. I had this problem years ago before becoming a legal assistant. And found out it wasn’t as scary as I thought. But I feel like getting into tech is different somehow. I get stuck feeling like it’s unattainable for me. I don’t know why. I want my girls (and boy) to know they can do anything. I don’t want my girls to think I’m not smart or not capable. But it’s not ok to let my insecurities come out or they’ll think it’s ok. But they have slipped out. And I feel awful for that. 

And on top of it, I feel like I’m too old.

I need help. 

And I don’t know how to do it. My husband is the most supportive person. He’s so encouraging and helpful and patient. Yet I fear showing him what I’ve done or talking about what I’ve learned. He wants me to be happy and fulfilled and will do whatever it takes to get me to where I need to be. I’m ashamed of myself and embarrassed for my lack of follow through. What the hell is wrong with me?! 

I need to get out of this year’s long cycle of doing nothing with myself. I want to be someone my husband and kids are proud of. I don’t think I’ve done anything to show them I am. 

You don’t think this is true? Come to dinner with me sometime. I have nothing exciting to talk about. I suck at reading the news so I have no interesting worldly things to talk about. I do look at social media way to damn much (but I run a couple Facebook groups so I can’t get rid of it completely and I do follow some tech people I like, some long distance friends I’d like to stay in touch with are there, too). I stay home with my kids and suck at cleaning my house. So I have nothing but stories about my kids and no cleaning tips for you. Just daily minutiae. Because I don’t you care how many errands I ran this week and how thrilling laundry was and the latest gym class I tried. It’s embarrassing, really. 

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t have quit my job to stay home. But I have loved so much all the time I got to be with my kids and see them grow. I’m so lucky and thankful I was able to do that. 

But what is my purpose anymore? I get groceries, do preschool drop-off and my kids can play by themselves. Yet I can’t find the time to learn something? That might be because I don’t think I can learn. I don’t know if I know how. But I did take an online course once that was enlightening. 

I’ve taken Strengths Finder tests, let me tell you how anxious I was taking that test. I almost threw up worrying about what the results would be, if I was answering the questions right…pure panic. And I saw the results and still didn’t think I could do it. 

I need more. But I’m too scared I’ll be more terrible at something new. A lot of days, I don’t think I’m very good at this taking care of a house or kids thing. So then I’ll be bad at everything. 

Also, I need to care less about everything anyone thinks about me or what I do. I need a #IDGAF necklace or something to wear everyday. I try to please everyone and that’s just not necessary. In my head I’m a walking #IDGAF poster child. Until I need to talk to or interact with someone. Then it’s all Minnesota nicey-nice and I get blathering on about who knows what. Or confrontations. Oh just nope. I get shaky legs and sick to my stomach to call to order food. Or make doctor appointments or anything that squires me to talk to someone about something THAT IS THEIR JOB TO TALK ABOUT. 

See?! I warned you I have issues. The crap that goes on in my head on a daily basis is exhausting. And I can’t tell you why exactly. I’m always overanalyzing everything and overthinking every detail. 

Who am I trying to impress? I want to do more to be a better ME. And a better MOM. And a better WIFE. That’s 5 people I need to care about. 5. And that’s it. 

So, I’m sorry if you’re not in my top 5 people. I clearly need to spend some more time on me and figuring out my emotions and that mess in my head. The other 4 humans in my life need me to be better.

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