Month: January 2020

Me-Time Guilt

Posted on by Andi

We have all been told that it’s a good thing to make time for yourself. As a mom or parent, the majority of your time is spent taking care of kids, doing adult things, working, cleaning, shopping, keeping everyone alive and happy, keeping that fun, love and spark alive in a marriage and also balancing time for yourself.

I work from home and I “stay home” with the kids. Mind you, two are in school and the third goes to preschool four days a week. I do meal plans, help get kids to sports, make lunches, get them ready for school and all those other random things that need to be done when squeezed in with work. My husband works from home as well and does all of these things, too. But when I have a few free minutes I feel guilty. Like LOTS of guilt.

“I should be vacuuming”, “I should be cleaning”, “I have hundred loads of laundry to put away”, “I should be learning some more coding”, “I need to get my work done”, “I need to get dinner started”, “Crap, I forgot about my to-do list”, “shoot, the car needs service”, “OMG I need to get these library books back today”, “I should probably eat so I’m not so hangry”, “Ahh I signed up to volunteer today”, “I forgot to plan a birthday party”, “LEGO group isn’t scheduled yet”, and on and on and on and….

I think “I really wanted to finish this chapter of my book”, “I really wanted to get that blog post published”, “I meant to run on the treadmill this morning but decided to sleep in instead”, “I wanted to have tea with my best friend”, “I wanted to use that massage gift card”, “I would love to take a quick nap”…..and then the guilt comes.

I have all these things I should do for myself. Paint my nails. Take a bath. Take a shower. Finish a book. Go on a walk. Just stare out the window. But I feel like I might “get caught” sitting around or being lazy and then I need to justify what I did before that to make it OK for me to be sitting. Seriously. Who is going to catch me? My husband? He knows what I do during the day. I’m not a quiet person and he hears me stomping around all day. I’m also a chatty person so I am usually talking to him non-stop all day so he knows pretty much everything I am doing. He doesn’t need these updates. I just feel like “maybe he will wonder why I’m not doing XYZ right now.” Guess what?! HE’S NOT. And no one else is for that matter.

I have always been a guilt-filled person. I have sent texts late at night to friends to make sure I haven’t said anything overly offensive or hurt feelings. I have wondered if not talking to someone long enough at school or preschool made them think I wasn’t a nice person. I am clearly a people pleaser. But why is it that I don’t quite care enough to please myself. (That sounded a lot dirtier than I intended BTW.)

I can’t even call to order a pizza or call someone who has the sole job of talking to me when I call because I feel like I am inconveniencing them. I just don’t want to bother anyone.

This is an exhausting way to live, by the way. Holy cow am I spent by the time I tuck the kids into bed. I just want to go to sleep. Because my brain has been on overdrive all day. I’ve been worrying about how every little thing I do is perceived and I haven’t taken one minute to just breathe and say “it’s ok to take a minute to yourself.”

With full honesty here, I DO take time for myself. I tell my kid to read a book so I can scroll Facebook or Instagram. But honestly, scrolling doesn’t make me happy. I oddly feel more happy when I post something for other people to see. It isn’t really FOR them. It’s actually for me because I love to see the memories pop up each year. That is more of a high for me. I like to use it as a journaling outlet.

If I’m being honest here, I think the reason I feel so much guilt is because, although I have a part-time job, I don’t work full-time and don’t feel like I contribute enough. I feel like I am being wasteful with my time if I am not working or doing something useful with any extra time I have. Maybe this is a personal issue. Maybe this is a stay-at-home-mom issue. Whatever it is…I feel it.

So maybe I do find more time for myself than I think I do, but I just wanted to see if I was alone. Am I the only one who feels guilty when they take some time for themselves? Is this guilt just a mom-thing? Am I hallucinating and getting more me-time than I think I am and just being whiny? Who knows. Maybe I’ll find some balance in my 40s.

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Acceptance

Posted on by Andi

This story below has been on my mind and I can’t stop thinking about it. I have had similar things happen, but not to this extent and I just need to share it.

A man’s son (a 5 year old in kindergarten) wanted his nails painted and then got bullied at school for it. Before I say what my feelings are and why this resonates with me, I want you to read what this dad said.

When I read this I wanted to hug this little boy and high five his parents. This poor kid gets bullied and picked on by his peers for something as small as painting his nails. It breaks my heart.

My youngest is 5. He will be in Kindergarten in the Fall. And this boy loves his nails painted, tutus, skirts and all things glittery and sparkly. His favorite book is called “Just Add Glitter”. Now some people might say that he likes these things because he has two older sisters, or because I, myself, like to have my nails painted and LOVE glitter and sparkly things. But (1) his sisters are not very girly. Their dress-wearing is sporadic, they have buzzed undercuts on their hair, play hockey and softball and are both tough as nails! And (2) he just likes them. He isn’t pressured by his sisters to wear skirts, he just chooses them when he picks out his own clothes. Because they spin and sparkle and make him happy.

I also have a daughter who is 9 and she loves sports, video games, has short hair (because it makes her feel awesome!) and loves to ride her bike and rollerblade and go skating and skiing and is one of the funniest people I know. But she has been told that she “looks like a boy” because her hair is short. WHAT?! It makes me so sad.

Who are we or these kids to judge this and say it isn’t ok? Even into adulthood, women especially are judged for how they look or what they wear if it might not fit into the norm or just doesn’t appeal to one person. I am almost 40 and in my head I don’t give a damn what people say or think about me, but I know that I do to some extent.

And my son and this boy above are 5! I’m an adult and I can handle it. But these kids are just learning who they are, finding themselves and learning to love themselves. So it makes me so sad that this happens.

I know this happens. I am naive enough to think that “this won’t happen to my kid” or “things will change” or “it’ll be ok”. It can hurt. And it sucks when my kid comes home and tells me that someone said “skirts are for girls”. No they freaking aren’t. They are for anyone that wants to freaking wear them.

Let me digress briefly about toys being gendered. This makes me INSANE! My kids (both girls and boy) play with EVERYTHING! They dress up, play with pretend food, play all kinds of games, play with doll houses, play with dolls, play with cars, play with LEGO, play sports, play video games, play with PlayDoh, etc. And never once have they said they can’t play with something because it’s “for a boy” or “for a girl”. I know my husband and I would have a conversation with them if they did, but we raised them to know that TOYS ARE TOYS. There are not boy-toys or girl-toys. Just like it is nonsense that blue is for boys and pink is for girls. I have many male adult friends I have seen wear pink. And my girls rock blue all the time!

The picture at the beginning of this post was from a couple weeks ago. I was working and I needed my son to play by himself for a while. I snapped a couple pictures and a video of him playing and it was so sweet. I loved listening to the way the parents talked to the kids, the voices he used for mom, dad, kids and just how he made everyone interact. It really shows what goes through their heads as you see them play with these things. The parents were nurturing, the siblings in his pretend house we helpful and I was so proud of the interactions I overheard. And I never would have gotten this sweet moment if I had told him “Alex, that dollhouse isn’t for you to play with, it is for your sisters.”

It is hard to talk to your kids about these things. And not hard in the sense that I don’t know what to say, but hard that I HAVE to tell them “don’t worry about what people say”, “don’t listen to them”, “you can like anything you like”, “you are beautiful”, “you are you and you are amazing and spectacular”, “tell those kids that it’s ok to like what you want and it is ok that they don’t like the same things”. And for the most part, this works, We have very emotionally strong kids, but it still makes my heart hurt that these things even need to be said.

We need to get our heads out of the clouds and stop thinking in this way of the past. It is 2020. We should be above this. Shouldn’t we have bigger things to worry about than what color our kids are wearing, what toys they are playing with or if they want to accessorize themselves?

So stop and listen to yourself when you are talking to your kids. It is not ok to put this pressure on them. They need to see they are loved and accepted for any choices they make. Someday they will be older and have much bigger and harder things they are dealing with than whether someone says they shouldn’t wear nail polish and you will want them to be able to come to you about it and not be embarrassed. So step up your game and make sure you are teaching your children acceptance. And maybe it will be a good refresher course for you as well.

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Free Your Mind

Posted on by Andi

This little space on the web has been a hidden corner of my thoughts and randomness throughout the years. It has been neglected for some time, but I have been feeling that I need to write more and get more thoughts out. I am not expecting loads people to come visit or this to be some lucrative money-maker. I just wanted to start putting more of my thoughts down.

I have been playing around with this site for a long time while I have been learning some web development. I have found that this layout does what I want and I like the simplicity of it. I think it makes my posts look less cluttered and stand out at the same time. I have been integrated two of my instagram pages as well and I like the way they look.

Another reason for wanting to write more is that I think I shy away from saying what I am feeling because I am afraid of offending someone. I am a people pleaser and I like having everyone feel comfortable. But life isn’t always comfortable.

My last post was about being brave and not perfect. So I am going to try to tackle one of the parts of me that needs to be more brave and that is saying what I am feeling even at the risks of possibly offending, hurting someone’s feelings or just generally not having everyone have the exact same thoughts as me.

Over the years, I think I have been able to be a chameleon in my friendships and various relationships because I would agree with or go along with what others thought. Sometimes hiding my own feelings to make others feel right.

But when I think about who I am inside (and who I want to be on the outside) it is someone with my own thoughts, feelings and opinions. So I am vowing to just do some more writing here to get some of my thoughts out of my head.

I don’t have overly important things to say that have been eating at me (or maybe I do and I am belittling my thoughts as I usually do). I feel like some of these things are really instagram-worthy material. Those are snippets of things and not as much of a platform for my lengthy ramblings.

Also, this is not a new years resolution. It is merely coincidence that this is happing in the new year. It is mostly because this is the time of year I have some extra time and energy after the holidays to tackle this.

So join me if you want in my ramblings and self-reflection. Some of these will be linked via instagram at times if I think they need to be. Welcome to the more outwardly (instead of internally) outspoken me.

(Image by Amanda Oleander – “Free Your Mind”.)

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Brave, Not Perfect

Posted on by Andi

I read this beautiful book by Reshma Saujani a while ago and I loved it so much. I listened to the book, and then bought the kindle book. It was such a wonderful book about how important it is for women to work on bravery instead of striving for perfection. To tackle some of the hard things they are afraid to do and just be brave enough to try.

Saujani also founded the Girls Who Code movement. She helps get girls interested in and involved in programming and they want to “change the image of what a programmer looks like and does.” There are also some great young chapter books written by them as well. And I think this is important because the younger you can get programming and coding into the minds of younger children, the earlier they will be able to learn how cool it is! Here is a summary of the book from Amazon:

Imagine if you lived without the fear of not being good enough. If you didn’t care how your life looked on Instagram. If you could let go of the guilt and stop beating yourself up for making human mistakes. Imagine if, in every decision you faced, you took the bolder path?

As women, too many of us feel crushed under the weight of our own expectations. We run ourselves ragged trying to please everyone, pass up opportunities that scare us, and avoid rejection at all costs.

There’s a reason we act this way, Saujani says. As girls, we were taught to play it safe. Well-meaning parents and teachers praised us for being quiet and polite, urged us to be careful so we didn’t get hurt, and steered us to activities at which we could shine. As a result, we grew up to be women who are afraid to fail. 

It’s time to stop letting our fears drown out our dreams and narrow our world, along with our chance at happiness.

By choosing bravery over perfection, we can find the power to claim our voice, to leave behind what makes us unhappy, and to go for the things we genuinely, passionately want. Perfection may set us on a path that feels safe, but bravery leads us to the one we’re authentically meant to follow. In Brave, Not Perfect, Saujani shares powerful insights and practices to help us let go of our need for perfection and make bravery a lifelong habit. By being brave, not perfect, we can all become the authors of our best and most joyful life.

Reshma also did a TED talk as well and it was a good summary of the topics she touches on in her book. The link to the TED talk is below.

Her book and her message is one that can be universal and not just applicable to women in technology. I think that overall, women are starting to bridge the gender gap and make themselves more of a staple and asset in many other forms of business, not just technology.

Let me know if you end up reading or have read this book already. I would love to hear your thoughts on the book and her message in general.

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Sending Holiday Cards…Yay or Nay?

Posted on by Andi

I think this is my third year that I haven’t sent a card. Instead of sending out a card, I have created one and posted it on social media. I have printed a couple copies over the years to hang with our other cards we receive and to let the kids have one to hang on their walls or keep. I have also printed a couple and mailed them to Chuck’s grandparents. But for the most part, I am not a sender of Christmas cards.

When the kids were little, we sent more out. I think I even sent some after we got married. But as the years went on and our lives became more hectic, I realized that it was no longer bringing me joy to send them out. It was just one. more. thing. I had to add to my To-Do list during the holiday season and I was not interested.

Now, I am a self-proclaimed Scrooge when it comes to Christmas. I don’t like getting out decorations (it feels like too much added clutter), I have my mom come over to decorate the tree with the kids, I take things down as quickly as possible….See, Scrooge. But it didn’t occur to me not to send one. I just figured I HAD to. Until my genius husband said to me “does sending out holiday cards make you happy?” “No.” “Then don’t send one.” *Mind Blown*

So I needed the obvious put in front of me to realize that the world was not going to end, I was not going to lose all of my friends (although I have received fewer cards over the years…because fewer people are sending them or because I haven’t been sending the cards to them) and the holiday season would go on without adding this extra bit of stress.

Now I know what you are thinking. “Andi…how could you?! I love seeing holiday cards, and getting them and hanging them up!” Or “don’t you know there are companies and services that you can plug in all your addresses and they will address the cards and such for you?”

Well, I love seeing cards, too. But I am not a sentimental person and I don’t save all the cards I get each year. I usually take a picture of all of them hanging and then let the kids keep and play with whichever ones they want. I also feel like you probably see enough of me and my family on social media and don’t need me hanging on your wall. And…my mom and dad usually send out cards that include pictures of us, and usually letters that tell you everything we have been up to for the year. So I don’t feel like I need to do it.

Second, yes, I do know there are services out there. It isn’t the labeling that bothers me. I have a spreadsheet with all my addresses saved in it that I update and then just print on labels. And I do this for our return address as well. So I just have to stick a bunch of stickers on it (stamps are stickers, too). It isn’t that I have to (or choose to) label them, it’s finding time in my day to actually DO IT.

The next thing you are thinking is “but Andi, you’re a stay-at-home mom. You have all the time in the world to do whatever you want. And that could include sending (and preparing and finding pictures and proof-reading) a holiday card to me!”

*Slight pause here while I roll on the floor laughing at this statement*

Yes, I do currently stay at home with the kids (who aren’t even home all the time because…school), but did you know….I have a remote job with a law firm that I have worked at for almost 6 years? And in the last year, I took on more responsibilities with them? I also am starting another small job with a local company? I am trying to learn programming? That I like my house to not be a pig sty once in a while? I volunteer at my kids’ schools quite often? (This list could go on all day.) Being a “stay-at-home mom” DOES NOT MEAN that I have all the free time in the world.

Well, that took a turn.

I guess I just wanted to say that I don’t want to send out holiday cards right now. Maybe that will change in the future, but for now, this is what is right for me and my family so everyone survives the holiday season.

Love you all, and I love seeing your holiday cards. But please only continue to send them because you want to and enjoy sending them. Don’t send them because you feel an obligation to do so!

I will leave you with our virtual 2019 holiday card.

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2019 Reading Challenge

Posted on by Andi

I was quite proud of my reading challenge through GoodReads this year. I tackled lots of great books (and some I didn’t love) and was able to complete 59/50 books. I should mention that I listen to a lot of audiobooks and thus why I am able to complete so many books! I have included statistics from GoodReads as well as all the books I read below.

So there you have it. It is only the 10th of the month, and I have almost finished 4 books already. (Two of them were already about 1.2 done when I started the year, but still!) I am hoping I can get a bunch of books I didn’t get to read this year. As well as a bunch of books for book club.

Have you read any great books in 2019 (or really whenever) that I should add to my to-read list? Anything you read that I should avoid or not waste my time on? Do you set reading goals for yourself on GoodReads, too? What is your goal?

Happy reading to you in 2020!

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