Category: Randomness

This little space on the web has been a hidden corner of my thoughts and randomness throughout the years. It has been neglected for some time, but I have been feeling that I need to write more and get more thoughts out. I am not expecting loads people to come visit or this to be some lucrative money-maker. I just wanted to start putting more of my thoughts down.

I have been playing around with this site for a long time while I have been learning some web development. I have found that this layout does what I want and I like the simplicity of it. I think it makes my posts look less cluttered and stand out at the same time. I have been integrated two of my instagram pages as well and I like the way they look.

Another reason for wanting to write more is that I think I shy away from saying what I am feeling because I am afraid of offending someone. I am a people pleaser and I like having everyone feel comfortable. But life isn’t always comfortable.

My last post was about being brave and not perfect. So I am going to try to tackle one of the parts of me that needs to be more brave and that is saying what I am feeling even at the risks of possibly offending, hurting someone’s feelings or just generally not having everyone have the exact same thoughts as me.

Over the years, I think I have been able to be a chameleon in my friendships and various relationships because I would agree with or go along with what others thought. Sometimes hiding my own feelings to make others feel right.

But when I think about who I am inside (and who I want to be on the outside) it is someone with my own thoughts, feelings and opinions. So I am vowing to just do some more writing here to get some of my thoughts out of my head.

I don’t have overly important things to say that have been eating at me (or maybe I do and I am belittling my thoughts as I usually do). I feel like some of these things are really instagram-worthy material. Those are snippets of things and not as much of a platform for my lengthy ramblings.

Also, this is not a new years resolution. It is merely coincidence that this is happing in the new year. It is mostly because this is the time of year I have some extra time and energy after the holidays to tackle this.

So join me if you want in my ramblings and self-reflection. Some of these will be linked via instagram at times if I think they need to be. Welcome to the more outwardly (instead of internally) outspoken me.

(Image by Amanda Oleander – “Free Your Mind”.)

I think this is my third year that I haven’t sent a card. Instead of sending out a card, I have created one and posted it on social media. I have printed a couple copies over the years to hang with our other cards we receive and to let the kids have one to hang on their walls or keep. I have also printed a couple and mailed them to Chuck’s grandparents. But for the most part, I am not a sender of Christmas cards.

When the kids were little, we sent more out. I think I even sent some after we got married. But as the years went on and our lives became more hectic, I realized that it was no longer bringing me joy to send them out. It was just one. more. thing. I had to add to my To-Do list during the holiday season and I was not interested.

Now, I am a self-proclaimed Scrooge when it comes to Christmas. I don’t like getting out decorations (it feels like too much added clutter), I have my mom come over to decorate the tree with the kids, I take things down as quickly as possible….See, Scrooge. But it didn’t occur to me not to send one. I just figured I HAD to. Until my genius husband said to me “does sending out holiday cards make you happy?” “No.” “Then don’t send one.” *Mind Blown*

So I needed the obvious put in front of me to realize that the world was not going to end, I was not going to lose all of my friends (although I have received fewer cards over the years…because fewer people are sending them or because I haven’t been sending the cards to them) and the holiday season would go on without adding this extra bit of stress.

Now I know what you are thinking. “Andi…how could you?! I love seeing holiday cards, and getting them and hanging them up!” Or “don’t you know there are companies and services that you can plug in all your addresses and they will address the cards and such for you?”

Well, I love seeing cards, too. But I am not a sentimental person and I don’t save all the cards I get each year. I usually take a picture of all of them hanging and then let the kids keep and play with whichever ones they want. I also feel like you probably see enough of me and my family on social media and don’t need me hanging on your wall. And…my mom and dad usually send out cards that include pictures of us, and usually letters that tell you everything we have been up to for the year. So I don’t feel like I need to do it.

Second, yes, I do know there are services out there. It isn’t the labeling that bothers me. I have a spreadsheet with all my addresses saved in it that I update and then just print on labels. And I do this for our return address as well. So I just have to stick a bunch of stickers on it (stamps are stickers, too). It isn’t that I have to (or choose to) label them, it’s finding time in my day to actually DO IT.

The next thing you are thinking is “but Andi, you’re a stay-at-home mom. You have all the time in the world to do whatever you want. And that could include sending (and preparing and finding pictures and proof-reading) a holiday card to me!”

*Slight pause here while I roll on the floor laughing at this statement*

Yes, I do currently stay at home with the kids (who aren’t even home all the time because…school), but did you know….I have a remote job with a law firm that I have worked at for almost 6 years? And in the last year, I took on more responsibilities with them? I also am starting another small job with a local company? I am trying to learn programming? That I like my house to not be a pig sty once in a while? I volunteer at my kids’ schools quite often? (This list could go on all day.) Being a “stay-at-home mom” DOES NOT MEAN that I have all the free time in the world.

Well, that took a turn.

I guess I just wanted to say that I don’t want to send out holiday cards right now. Maybe that will change in the future, but for now, this is what is right for me and my family so everyone survives the holiday season.

Love you all, and I love seeing your holiday cards. But please only continue to send them because you want to and enjoy sending them. Don’t send them because you feel an obligation to do so!

I will leave you with our virtual 2019 holiday card.

I recently came across this poem that was viral a number of years ago. I thought it was so well done and so moving. Her verbal images truly capture the essence of struggles women face and how they try to fit in. I am guilty of apologizing in situations where “sorry” is unnecessary and shows your lack of confidence. This is something I am trying very hard to stop doing.

Here is a video of her presenting this poem.

Here is the poem in its entirety.

Across from me at the kitchen table, my mother smiles over red wine that she drinks out of a measuring glass.
She says she doesn’t deprive herself,
but I’ve learned to find nuance in every movement of her fork.
In every crinkle in her brow as she offers me the uneaten pieces on her plate.
I’ve realized she only eats dinner when I suggest it.
I wonder what she does when I’m not there to do so.
Maybe this is why my house feels bigger each time I return; it’s proportional.
As she shrinks the space around her seems increasingly vast.
She wanes while my father waxes. His stomach has grown round with wine, late nights, oysters, poetry. A new girlfriend who was overweight as a teenager, but my dad reports that now she’s “crazy about fruit.”
It was the same with his parents;
as my grandmother became frail and angular her husband swelled to red round cheeks, round stomach
and I wonder if my lineage is one of women shrinking
making space for the entrance of men into their lives
not knowing how to fill it back up once they leave.
I have been taught accommodation.
My brother never thinks before he speaks.
I have been taught to filter.
“How can anyone have a relationship to food?” He asks, laughing, as I eat the black bean soup I chose for its lack of carbs.
I want to tell say: we come from difference, Jonas,
you have been taught to grow out
I have been taught to grow in
you learned from our father how to emit, how to produce, to roll each thought off your tongue with confidence, you used to lose your voice every other week from shouting so much
I learned to absorb
I took lessons from our mother in creating space around myself
I learned to read the knots in her forehead while the guys went out for oysters
and I never meant to replicate her, but
spend enough time sitting across from someone and you pick up their habits
that’s why women in my family have been shrinking for decades.
We all learned it from each other, the way each generation taught the next how to knit
weaving silence in between the threads
which I can still feel as I walk through this ever-growing house,
skin itching,
picking up all the habits my mother has unwittingly dropped like bits of crumpled paper from her pocket on her countless trips from bedroom to kitchen to bedroom again,
Nights I hear her creep down to eat plain yogurt in the dark, a fugitive stealing calories to which she does not feel entitled.
Deciding how many bites is too many
How much space she deserves to occupy.
Watching the struggle I either mimic or hate her,
And I don’t want to do either anymore
but the burden of this house has followed me across the country
I asked five questions in genetics class today and all of them started with the word “sorry”.
I don’t know the requirements for the sociology major because I spent the entire meeting deciding whether or not I could have another piece of pizza
a circular obsession I never wanted but
inheritance is accidental
still staring at me with wine-stained lips from across the kitchen table.

I must say, I love all the strong women vibes I am getting in the world lately. Having two young girls has really made me a strong feminist to fight for their rights and their right to be whatever they want to be. We talk to the girls all the time about being confident, talking to us about anything on their mind, telling them they can marry whomever they choose, and the like.

But it’s still a hard time to grow up in. With a president who looks down on women as well as minorities, it’s hard to explain to our kids why some people support him. But my 6 year old told me that when she grows up she wants to “be a mom and the president.” I hope you are, sweetheart!

The strong vibes might be hard to see at times, but I find them everywhere. Maybe it’s in part that I surround myself with strong women and I am working on pursuing a career in a male-dominated field, but I love that there are songs my girls (and boy) can sing at the top of their lungs and be proud of what they are saying.

Thank you Brynn Elliott for this amazing song. The lyrics are below:

You broke up with me and for the life of me
I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong
I’m so sorry, I’m usually the first one
To admit that I did wrong

Get over yourself, it’s no big deal
If I run a little faster than you on the playground
Get over yourself, what’s your problem
What’s your problem?

Well if you don’t like girls that are stronger than you
And if you don’t like girls that are faster than you
And if you don’t like girls that are smarter than you
Well then you might not like me
You might not like me

We had chemistry and you’re one that got away
And I’ll never forget you
You were beautiful, you were perfect as you were
And I didn’t want to fix you

Get over yourself, it’s no big deal
If I swim a little faster than you in the neighbor’s pool
Get over yourself, what’s your problem
What’s your problem?

Well if you don’t like girls that are stronger than you
And if you don’t like girls that are faster than you
And if you don’t like girls that are smarter than you
Well then you might not like me, you might not like me
And if you don’t like girls that are tougher than you
And if you don’t like girls more darin’ than you
And if you don’t like girls braver than you
Well then you might not like me
You might not like me
You might not like me
You might not like me and that’s fine by me

Boy, lay down your pride
Wipe that tear from your eye
I’ll take you back, I’ll take you back
Boy, lay down your pride
Wipe that tear from your eye
I’ll take you back, I’ll take you back, boy

Well if you don’t like girls that are stronger than you
And if you don’t like girls that are faster than you
And if you don’t like girls that are smarter than you
Well then you might not like me, you might not like me
And if you don’t like girls that are tougher than you
And if you don’t like girls more darin’ than you
And if you don’t like girls braver than you
Well then you might not like me
You might not like me
You might not like me
You might not like me and that’s fine by me

I had a close friend of mine ask me today if it was exhausting to have so many friends. After thinking about it for a second, I decided, yes, it can be. But I love that I have so many friends. And I love making new friends. I love learning about people and how we are similar and different. I love building friendships on new things and finding out more about them as we spend more time together. I love gatherings with them and one on one conversations. 

But yes, it can be exhausting. I am a planner and a definite extrovert. I love being around people and coordinating gatherings (albeit frustrating at times). But the thought of people gathering and hanging out together makes me so happy. I don’t care what we are doing, I just like being around people. 

Along with having lots of friends, I feel like I have a lot of different kinds of friends. Ones you have been friends with for a very long time, those that are new, those from certain groups where you hang out together, friends where your children are friends….and on and on. And each of these friendships bring something else to my life. I love all of those relationships for different reasons and for teaching me different things about myself and about others. Because friendship is a million little things. 

I do my best to get together with as many friends as possible as often as I can. It’s one of the reasons I love my book club so much. It’s a guaranteed time to see some of my close friends when life gets busy and that is the only time we can make work. And I don’t mind scheduling events for us (even if I get frustrated trying to make something work). I still love it and enjoy it when it happens. 

I think the most exhausting thing for me is when my friendship isn’t reciprocated. I am an all-in friend. You’ll know more about me in the first hour of meeting me than you will probably want to know. I am an open book and a big sharer. But I wonder if I scare people off at times from that. When in reality, people are just not as obnoxious as I am. I have been told I can be a lot to handle at times. And in my older age, I have realized that you are either going to love that about me or not. And I am finally ok with that. I am not offended when people can’t or don’t want to hang out like I used to be.

Having a lot of friends can be exhausting at times, but I wouldn’t change it. I have just learned to make it work for me and my friends and I must say, you are all worth it. 

My fabulous friend just launched her new jewelry website, humble & heart. Look at that picture!? How gorgeous! But she doesn’t JUST sell jewelry…..

What I love most about her business is that she donates $7 from each item purchased back to educators in her district! How amazing, right?! 

So what a wonderful cause and great way to give to something while enjoying something beautiful!

And Sara doesn’t just give to teachers. She is the most generous person, friend, and mother. She has done nothing but give with her whole heart since the day I met her when our oldest were in Kindergarten together.

She has an Instagram page and Facebook page, too. So go like the heck out of her stuff and buy away! These are going to be my go-to gifts for friends, family and teachers from now on! 

A few years ago I went to a Girls in Tech event and met a few people I have kept in contact with. One woman recommended this program to me a couple years ago. I was not in a position to tackle that yet, but recently, it’s sounded like a great solution. 

It is offered by York Solutions. They take people that are looking for a career change and want to get into the IT field and give them paid training with IT executives. Here’s a video about it. 

Doesn’t that sound like a wonderful way to re-enter the workforce and make a career change at the same time. 

They help you hone your skills, learn, realize your value and possibly land a job at the end of it! I’m fascinated. 

Chuck sent this link to me a while back. I have watched it a couple times and recommended it to many people. If you haven’t seen this and need to give fewer f*cks about meaningless crap in life, please watch this. Or if you want to know why I care less about x, y, or z….watch this.

The following image is a slide from her talk. 

And one of my favorite things she said was that you only have so many f*ucks to give. So you should use them on things that actually matter to you.

A while back, I also read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck”. I didn’t love it at the time, but I am thinking about re-reading it with a different mindset.

Anyone interested in joining me in my new #IDGAF lifestyle? And try not to take anything personally. And I suppose if you do, IDGAF.